Wednesday, January 6, 2010

scope the nose


PAINFUL PAINFUL PAINFUL is the best word to describe my doctor's appointment today. I saw a speech pathologist that conducted a test where they stuck a scope down my nose to look down my throat while I swallowed. 4 tries!!! & on the 5th with a different doctor she got in all the way in.

"It's okay, you can cry. She's tough, I didn't want to torture her more."

It was complete torture & even the good doctor couldn't put someone through that much pain.

"It's okay, think happy thoughts"....where did my thoughts lead me? The only place that came to mind was playing catch with baseball boy & late-night walks with him. On the other tries it was to hard to think of something else. It hurt too much. Anything and everything else I thought of wasn't going to hold it's own with the pain. A memory that was already painful.

Once they got the camera in, I choked on it.

My nose is small.

I didn't think it could get worse, but I found out I'd have to do it again, but for longer & further down into my throat. To help, they sprayed some numbing product twice into my throat, which made me gag & choke. Then the nurse asked how old I was & I said 22, then she said you're older than me. I'm 20.


Getting the camera scope down my nose again proved to only be accomplished under rare circumstances. They tried & tried, both nostrils until they made me bleed. It hurt TONS! I knew they had to do it, so I endured & tried to keep myself from crying. So finally they gave up on the nose, then they shoved it down through my mouth, that made me cough & choke. 12 swallows of water holding my breath for 30 seconds after each swallow. I wanted to punch the assistant when she would tell me the wrong number of swallows left. After 45 minutes of torture I was done. I bursted into tears as I delayed the pain they did to me. IT was painful & hard emotionally to let them keep going.

Aftermath, they can't fix me. They don't know how it happened, but my upper & lower throat muscles aren't working correctly. It's unpredictable, sometimes my swallows are fine. BUT come back if it gets worse...thanks.

Monday, January 4, 2010

CAUGHT in a bad romance...

"I want your love & I want your revenge. You & me could write a bad romance."

What is it about 2010 that everyone is getting married? There must be something in the water!

WTF! why are all my guy friends getting engaged? I don't see the appeal of being married or legally binding yourself to another person.

Almost all my guy friends are getting married. It's not enough to lose all my chick-friends to marriage.
"I don't want to be friends."

Other than the fact I had a 2 year head start, but for them to be the ones to jump into engagements, it's insane. I don't think I'm old enough, let alone boys being old enough to be husbands & fathers.

"I want your love, love, love, love."

My normal response to the news: I can't believe that he's engaged. I am so happy for him. I'd like to meet the girl that tame the beast, BUT I knew there had to be a prince underneath it all.

"I want your love & all your lover's revenge."

I wonder, where's my happy ending...& to have an ending you must have a beginning. When does happiness start?