Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wishful thinker with the worse intentions


I get so mad and upset. I didn't do this. I didn't give it to myself, why then do I have to have the worst of it?

The bishop said that where ever I was I would be going through the same amount of adversity despite where ever I was. At school, would I be as depressed there as I am at home? Would I get treated in a manner which drives me to eat my emotions?

I want to do good. I want to live righteously, but it's twisted by others to be perceived as being self-righteous and judgmental & most of all SELFISH.

I hate feeling this way. I have never felt this much hatred. It feels more raw now, every negative thing feels a million times worse.

In the last year of my life I had never cried more than the last month of my life. I know I have a problem letting go of my emotions and channeling it into something.

I guess in the end, Satan can tear you to pieces if you let him & obvisously I let him, because I'm at the end about to break. BUT God is the only one that can fully & truly build you up.

I feel like I have lost so much of my life & i think back to last year....exactly one year ago & how much i had then. & now what more do i have....I feel that a huge chunk of my life is gone. I don't have school anymore. I defined myself as a student. My life goal was to graduate, but life sometimes happens without your choosing.

I lost my heart. I don't know where it is, but I do know it's not where it's suppose to be. I feel that it could be still in Provo, still with my family, and friends. I'm learning to deal with life. Sometimes, it feels that I can't keep fightiing. I guess what fighting means is that I am still LIVING my life...I'm still doing things. I'm still active.
"I'm retracing every step in my head, what did i miss back then that I was so mislead?"
I think the reason why i was so busy "having fun" up at BYU always with a friend or preparing to do something/planning, is to amuse myself and distract myself from my own misery.

"Drop dead dream the chosen one....i don't mind if you don't mind cause I don't shine if you don't shine."

So I sliced my finger open while peeling potatoes. It bled so much for 20 minutes. It was deep. I thought I would have to go to the ER & get it stitched up. I finally realized how bad it was so I prayed & then the blood stopped.

It didn't occur to me that like Heavenly Father, Satan can use people for his purposes & he has been. Even my stake president has told me, that Satan uses the tactic of having people closest to us to tear people down. Taking my happiness away. Sometimes I can't remember what it's like to have others around me who choose to love me.

"I'm sorry for changing. I'm sorry that it had to be this way. Believe me, it's easier just to pretend. But, I won't apologize for who I am."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

giRL at rOck sHow...

wHaT's My aGe AgAiN.....
I paid $46 dollars for a Blink 182 ticket & ended up in the $69 pit next to Mark Hoppus.
A trip down memory lane to junior high, my bff Abbie burned a blink CD for me & made a fake cover(so I wouldn't get in trouble).
That Blink CD was the 1st CD I snuck into the house without my parents knowing.

"a DeCAdE UnDeR ThE iNfLUeNCe.."

Ten years later...back to 2009, at a time where I got to rebel again, thanks to my bff Abbie.

"hERe'S YoUr HoLiDAy"

LABOR DAY: violated at the doors by security searching for pot & weed; our seats...way in the back, so we snuck closer during Chester French, but some skanks snaked our seats so we decided to get in the pit for Taking Back Sunday, (which called for a ticket). Abbie's older bro rubbed the marker marks off their ticket, but mine still had a mark. I played it cool & held my black nail polished finger over the mark & stayed the whole night in the pit!

"wHEre YoU wAnT tO be"...

In the pit, boys with eyeliner & skinny jeans; I was in HEAVEN! We stood back for Taking Back Sunday. Far enough back that I was the only one dancing & singing to the songs. Tons of people, the lights went dim & the crowd pushed forward running to the stage. We got swept up in the crowd. I couldn't breathe.


Abbie grabbed my arm & pulled me out of the mosh pit. I got stepped on & trampled over as boys with no shirts slammed up against each other. We got out, but security wouldn't let us leave the pit. I couldn't see anything so I ran in the no-people zone to the side of the stage to get a closer picture of Tom & about 4 security guards escorted us back to the pit.
"FeeLinG ThiS.."

I wanted to see Mark Hoppus, not Travis or Tom & he was the furthest from us. Abbie got sucked into the mosh pit & couldn't get out. She got pushed into the front where a guy had to grab her arm to pull her out.

"i GUeSS THiS Is GrOWInG Up"

Alone & freaked for Abbie I recieved glares from blink fans I rammed into. Until FINALLY I was a few feet from MARK HOPPUS.

"MAKEDAMNSURE..that you won't ever leave, no you won't ever get to far from me."

I was stepped on & pushed around & stuck between a huge amazon girl on my left & a disgusting couple snogging on my right. As soon as the crowd smashed us again, I shoved my way through them & ended up closer. Travis Barker was suspended high above the stage playing the drums while rotating.

The night ended with confetti & "dammit". The perfect ending...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

all of the above..

"Tell me what do you see when you're looking at me?

On a mission to be what I'm destined to be..."


It's official I started my mission papers August 2009.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

500 Days of Summer

After seeing the movie, "500 days of Summer," with my sisters, I started to think about my "summer."
"Into your head, into your mind, out of your soul race through your veins you can 't escape, you can't escape into your life into your dreams out of the dark is alot of guilt you can't explain. Can you feel it rushing through your head?"
DAY 1: Like the movie it showed the end at the beginning.
I knew it was the end before it happened. I was blessed to know I did my best at school & I had to accept that. I couldn't do anything to prevent the decisions I needed to make after I enjoyed this past summer. My life was forever changed in April when BYU ended for me. I have always known the mission decision would come & I would finally have to move forward with faith. As my summer continued I tried to hold on to it(summer) for as long as I could, but it was all in vain, because I saw the end first.
The hardest thing about serving a mission & making that decision is leaving behind my life. I never thought it would be this hard to do the Lord's will. I can see now how some see a mission as a break from life, in my case it's not a break, it's the biggest sacrafice. I feel guitly, because it's so hard, maybe too hard.
DAY 99: I talked to my Bishop about a mission & he gave me time to be completely sure about serving before the process began.
DAY 104: I gave the Bishop my answer; I'm SERVING a mission.
DAY 105: I announced it offically to everyone, including baseball boy.
DAY 115: I got my sister missionary account on
DAY 120: I got sick.
DAY 127: My swallowing foods problem started.
DAY 140: Got infected.
DAY 170: Finished mission papers.
DAY 177: Got treated.
DAY 182: Got food poisoning.
DAY 200: Stake Pres. put mission on hold.
DAY 223: Saw a specialist for my swallowing food problem.
DAY 231: Got a biopsy & endoscopy.
DAY 242: Got results, doctors can't figure out what's wrong.
DAY 258: More tests...

"don't let anyone tell you your life is every color that you are. Into the rush now, you don't have to know how, know it all before you try."