I get so mad and upset. I didn't do this. I didn't give it to myself, why then do I have to have the worst of it?
The bishop said that where ever I was I would be going through the same amount of adversity despite where ever I was. At school, would I be as depressed there as I am at home? Would I get treated in a manner which drives me to eat my emotions?
I want to do good. I want to live righteously, but it's twisted by others to be perceived as being self-righteous and judgmental & most of all SELFISH.
I hate feeling this way. I have never felt this much hatred. It feels more raw now, every negative thing feels a million times worse.
In the last year of my life I had never cried more than the last month of my life. I know I have a problem letting go of my emotions and channeling it into something.
I feel like I have lost so much of my life & i think back to last year....exactly one year ago & how much i had then. & now what more do i have....I feel that a huge chunk of my life is gone. I don't have school anymore. I defined myself as a student. My life goal was to graduate, but life sometimes happens without your choosing.
I lost my heart. I don't know where it is, but I do know it's not where it's suppose to be. I feel that it could be still in Provo, still with my family, and friends. I'm learning to deal with life. Sometimes, it feels that I can't keep fightiing. I guess what fighting means is that I am still LIVING my life...I'm still doing things. I'm still active.
"Drop dead dream the chosen one....i don't mind if you don't mind cause I don't shine if you don't shine."
So I sliced my finger open while peeling potatoes. It bled so much for 20 minutes. It was deep. I thought I would have to go to the ER & get it stitched up. I finally realized how bad it was so I prayed & then the blood stopped.
It didn't occur to me that like Heavenly Father, Satan can use people for his purposes & he has been. Even my stake president has told me, that Satan uses the tactic of having people closest to us to tear people down. Taking my happiness away. Sometimes I can't remember what it's like to have others around me who choose to love me.