I get so mad and upset. I didn't do this. I didn't give it to myself, why then do I have to have the worst of it?
The bishop said that where ever I was I would be going through the same amount of adversity despite where ever I was. At school, would I be as depressed there as I am at home? Would I get treated in a manner which drives me to eat my emotions?
I want to do good. I want to live righteously, but it's twisted by others to be perceived as being self-righteous and judgmental & most of all SELFISH.
I hate feeling this way. I have never felt this much hatred. It feels more raw now, every negative thing feels a million times worse.
In the last year of my life I had never cried more than the last month of my life. I know I have a problem letting go of my emotions and channeling it into something.
I feel like I have lost so much of my life & i think back to last year....exactly one year ago & how much i had then. & now what more do i have....I feel that a huge chunk of my life is gone. I don't have school anymore. I defined myself as a student. My life goal was to graduate, but life sometimes happens without your choosing.
I lost my heart. I don't know where it is, but I do know it's not where it's suppose to be. I feel that it could be still in Provo, still with my family, and friends. I'm learning to deal with life. Sometimes, it feels that I can't keep fightiing. I guess what fighting means is that I am still LIVING my life...I'm still doing things. I'm still active.
"I'm retracing every step in my head, what did i miss back then that I was so mislead?"
I think the reason why i was so busy "having fun" up at BYU always with a friend or preparing to do something/planning, is to amuse myself and distract myself from my own misery."Drop dead dream the chosen one....i don't mind if you don't mind cause I don't shine if you don't shine."
So I sliced my finger open while peeling potatoes. It bled so much for 20 minutes. It was deep. I thought I would have to go to the ER & get it stitched up. I finally realized how bad it was so I prayed & then the blood stopped.
It didn't occur to me that like Heavenly Father, Satan can use people for his purposes & he has been. Even my stake president has told me, that Satan uses the tactic of having people closest to us to tear people down. Taking my happiness away. Sometimes I can't remember what it's like to have others around me who choose to love me.
"I'm sorry for changing. I'm sorry that it had to be this way. Believe me, it's easier just to pretend. But, I won't apologize for who I am."
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