New Year's Eve/new decade.

2010! My New Year's Resolution is to finish all of my 2009 blog posts & to have a better year of love and style.

2009 was the most frustrating & hard year I've ever had. A time of loss with tons of heartache & pain.

I am completely glad it's almost over...
See you in hell 2009!

"The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror. Decision to decisions are made and not bought, but I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot. I guess not."

Last blog post of the decade/year! See ya next year...in 2010!

paper heart...

After watching the movie, "Paper Heart" it got me thinking, remembering a time before closing off my heart. The movie was all about love & overcoming the obstacle of yourself & allowing yourself to feel. As I watched this movie I could feel the intensity & awkwardness of a 1st date & the uncertainty every relationship brings. I thought this is like my dating story. Dating (homecooked dinner, the grocery store, sitting & talking on the couch) & love happened. She was still a skeptic. It took them parting for her to realize despite everything she believed in & all her reservations about love; she wanted him in her life. She was in love.
Sometimes I can't remember what happened in my dating life & why it was so painful. Why did I think it was worth the pain? I've gone for months trying to revieve those feelings, but I can't & I don't understand how I felt them at all. Then I think maybe I didn't. I don't understand & I'll never understand. Why am I still...dating? Is love worth the risk of painful experiences?

"TO FEEL SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE RISK."

mY gOOdies...mY gOOdies

Twas' the night before Christmas...

Christmas Eve, giving out my goodies. Every year my parents give treats to our neighbors/friends/bishopric. They tend to make me & my sister make the goodies then deliver them. This year, I didn't have ANY money for presents for anyone, so I took goodies to my Emery besties. & I got a treat of my own...

"All I want for Christmas is you"

I love love them. The original friends. They stuck with me through thick & thin & were the ones I got to share my Christmas Eve treats with.

1st house: Weston, friend for 9 yrs. History: The adventures of Sponge-bob & Patrick! Prom date & a lot of hangout dates. THE ONLY boy to ever to hold my hand. My favorite date on record; Jazz game, missing 1/2 a day of school, running around Gateway trying to get into Abercrombie & Fitch before it closed. Picking me up & running through the fountain and getting soaked, he grabbed my hand & wouldn't let go. Even on the way home he held my hand....while he drove. The timing was never right then I realized it'll never be right, but I heart him anyway.

2nd house: Abbie, friend for 15 yrs. History: met on the playground, was scared of her. She was so outspoken & I was the shy one. Since then we have endured so much like cat fights, dumb boys & High School. She was & remains the most loyal friend I have ever had. She would defend & stick up for me when no one else would. Everyone was scared of her, but to be on her side is the safest place for a messed up friend like me. I can be completely honest about anything & everything with her.

3rd house: Seth, friend for 18 yrs. My best guy friend that I heart & completely trust. My eternal friend. History: He's been in my life for so long I can't imagine it without him. Without him I wouldn't have survived BYU. I was suppose to go to Prom with him, but Weston asked 1st. BUT I asked him to Promenade with me. Prom King & Student Body President, he is the guy I get pressured about the most to marry. Sorry everyone, he's my ETERNAL friend, not eternal companion, but I do love him!

4th house: Anne, friend for 22 yrs. Even before I was born, my parents & her parents planned for us to be friends. She was my 1st FRIEND! Because of her I have Abbie as a friend & I made it through swimming lessons & Elementary. We are so different, but remain friends & rekindled our friendship this Christmas Eve spending the most time at her house discussing our very similar lives; giving me hope that life will get better & everyone needs a break from school. It's not the end of the world.

The greatest gift I've been given is the gift of good friends.

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away. This year to keep me from tears I'll give it to someone special...."

CANNOT be your MEMORY...

NEVER ACT OUT OF FEAR!

"I still try holding on to silly things. I never learn."

I have a hard time letting go of people. I think it's fitting to quote the song, "Memory," by Sugarcult. The song that was dedicated to me when we went to Homecoming together.

"This could never start. We could fall apart. And I'd be your memory. Lost your sense of fear. Feelings insincere. Can I be your memory?
So get back, back, back to where we lasted just like I imagined I could never feel this way. So get back, back, back to the disaster. My heart's beating faster. Holding on to feel the same. This may never start. I'll tear us apart. Can I be your enemy? Losing half a year. Waiting for you here. I'd be your anything. This may never start. Tearing out my heart. I'd be your memory. Lost your sense of fear. Feelings disappeared. Cannot be your memory"

To be honest, I regret the things that I don't do. I have always known he had so much potential. Even back then I was more strict with dating. I knew dating him was not an option. He had tons of girlfriends & I did not want to be just another girl. I knew he liked me; he has always been brave enough to tell me. I felt that if my feelings meant anything I would wait. Wait, until it would actually mean something. I would make sure he served his mission. Then after, finally, I would act upon what I wanted.
"Too little too late"

When he returned I was scared. I've never known how to let myself feel what I was feeling for him. I had chances, but the timing was never right. I blamed time, but we were never right.

"I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating"

I woke up in the middle of the night terrified about a nightmare I had. In this dream I was too late to tell him anything. It really scared me. Acting out of fear, I text him & I can't believe I told him that I liked him more than a friend. We didn't even discuss it, just pretended like nothing happened & I guess that's true, nothing happened. I didn't want something to happen, but I feel like at least he knows now. I can't completely blame myself, it's his fault too. Now, I can let go.

"I CAN't BELIEVE you call yourself my friend, why don't you look me in the eyes one last time?"

"I see you lying next to me with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep or dead."

chemicals react

THE PERFECT MAN: EDWARD CULLEN? He's a VAMPIRE!
I disagree with this! It wasn't until I ran into the REAL perfect man at the "New Moon" movie that I realized this.

I love my besties, Brenna, who got the tickets & Wendy, who waited in line with us outside for 6 hours in the freezing COLD to see a movie! We were later join by Rosy to watch our latest OBSESSION!

Even though "New Moon" was my least favorite book from the Twilight series, the movie was okay, but I LoVeD the shirtless Jacob!

PERFECT BEST FRIEND: JACOB BLACK? He's a WEREWOLF!

Completely false. You can have an attractive best friend, but to be attracted to them defeats the whole idea of best FRIEND.

I was up in Provo for the NEW MOON movie & I saw my favorite "perfect man." Who was just as happy & surprised to see me. He's so happy about my decision to serve a mission. & said we should keep in touch as he got my number (again) on his new phone. We hugged & chatted I couldn't help, but notice all the girls checking him out. He dazzles everyone...

A month later...I am so happy, I heard from "the perfect man." He emailed me. He's such a great person. It's such a good reminder to me of how I want my future husband to be like. The feeling he gives me whenever I hear from him or see him like I did a month ago at the movies; he always leaves me happy. He's such a joy to be around, an all around good guy. My friend. He has such a good heart and good intentions towards people. He truly is a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. I would totally be his BELLA anyday! Only for the "perfect man", MARRIAGE OVER MISSION!

HEART-BURN

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel...I focus on the pain the only thing that's real."

Emotional pain causes physical pain. After the hemorrhoids, then heartburn that killed me for many months leading to an endoscopy & a biopsy not to mention the infection of lice for almost 2 months.

"The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting, try to kill it all away, but I remember everything."

Within the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what is wrong with me has been exhausting. 2 different types of doctors made a direct correlation between my physical health and mental health. To put it lightly I'm killing myself from the inside out.

"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end."

The negativity and harshness is internalized causing my chest to hurt. I didn't realize it until today through a petty comment. I went in my room and stopped breathing. It felt like my whole chest weighed a million pounds. I could feel it tighten.

"and you could have it all my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt."

Yesterday when the doctors showed me my results there was nothing wrong. Everything looked fine. They can't physically find the problem for why my throat muscles are tightened making it hard to eat anything and to breathe.

"I wear this crown of thorns up on my liar's chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair"

I'm suppose to write down every time a negative feeling comes over me. & each time my chest starts to ache. It feels like a heart-attack. It takes so much time to get back to normal. After I eat I have to sit up for hours after, spitting up my food.

"beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear. You are someone else I am still right here.

It's so hard for me to deal with this when no one else understands how much it hurts. It hurts all the time. I can remember what it's like to be able to eat food normal, the last time was in August.

"if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way."