CANNOT be your MEMORY...

NEVER ACT OUT OF FEAR!

"I still try holding on to silly things. I never learn."

I have a hard time letting go of people. I think it's fitting to quote the song, "Memory," by Sugarcult. The song that was dedicated to me when we went to Homecoming together.

"This could never start. We could fall apart. And I'd be your memory. Lost your sense of fear. Feelings insincere. Can I be your memory?
So get back, back, back to where we lasted just like I imagined I could never feel this way. So get back, back, back to the disaster. My heart's beating faster. Holding on to feel the same. This may never start. I'll tear us apart. Can I be your enemy? Losing half a year. Waiting for you here. I'd be your anything. This may never start. Tearing out my heart. I'd be your memory. Lost your sense of fear. Feelings disappeared. Cannot be your memory"

To be honest, I regret the things that I don't do. I have always known he had so much potential. Even back then I was more strict with dating. I knew dating him was not an option. He had tons of girlfriends & I did not want to be just another girl. I knew he liked me; he has always been brave enough to tell me. I felt that if my feelings meant anything I would wait. Wait, until it would actually mean something. I would make sure he served his mission. Then after, finally, I would act upon what I wanted.
"Too little too late"

When he returned I was scared. I've never known how to let myself feel what I was feeling for him. I had chances, but the timing was never right. I blamed time, but we were never right.

"I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating"

I woke up in the middle of the night terrified about a nightmare I had. In this dream I was too late to tell him anything. It really scared me. Acting out of fear, I text him & I can't believe I told him that I liked him more than a friend. We didn't even discuss it, just pretended like nothing happened & I guess that's true, nothing happened. I didn't want something to happen, but I feel like at least he knows now. I can't completely blame myself, it's his fault too. Now, I can let go.

"I CAN't BELIEVE you call yourself my friend, why don't you look me in the eyes one last time?"

"I see you lying next to me with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep or dead."