HEART-BURN

"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel...I focus on the pain the only thing that's real."

Emotional pain causes physical pain. After the hemorrhoids, then heartburn that killed me for many months leading to an endoscopy & a biopsy not to mention the infection of lice for almost 2 months.

"The needle tears a hole the old familiar sting, try to kill it all away, but I remember everything."

Within the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what is wrong with me has been exhausting. 2 different types of doctors made a direct correlation between my physical health and mental health. To put it lightly I'm killing myself from the inside out.

"What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end."

The negativity and harshness is internalized causing my chest to hurt. I didn't realize it until today through a petty comment. I went in my room and stopped breathing. It felt like my whole chest weighed a million pounds. I could feel it tighten.

"and you could have it all my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt."

Yesterday when the doctors showed me my results there was nothing wrong. Everything looked fine. They can't physically find the problem for why my throat muscles are tightened making it hard to eat anything and to breathe.

"I wear this crown of thorns up on my liar's chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair"

I'm suppose to write down every time a negative feeling comes over me. & each time my chest starts to ache. It feels like a heart-attack. It takes so much time to get back to normal. After I eat I have to sit up for hours after, spitting up my food.

"beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear. You are someone else I am still right here.

It's so hard for me to deal with this when no one else understands how much it hurts. It hurts all the time. I can remember what it's like to be able to eat food normal, the last time was in August.

"if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way."